Not Your Standard Relationship Advice

By Lissa Coffey

Author and relationship expert Lissa Coffey takes some standard relationship advice and explains how we might be doing ourselves, and our relationships, a disservice by following it!

1) “Don’t Go To Bed Angry” – This is just bad advice. What is the alternative? Stay up and fight? You’ll be much more clear-headed after a good night’s sleep. Agree to put the disagreement on “pause” and discuss in the morning.

2) “Practice Unconditional Love” – You can still love someone unconditionally and not let that person disrespect you. Oftentimes couples in a relationship take each other for granted, knowing the other one loves them unconditionally. Unconditionally does not mean excusing bad behavior.

3) “Relationships are 50/50” – well, SOMETIMES relationships are 50/50 – but most of the time they’re 70/30 or 20/80 or even 99/1! We have to give as much as we can when we can, because there will be times when we can’t. Overall it all balances out. Don’t just give your 50 and wait for the other person to step up. You might end up disappointed.

4) “There’s someone for everyone.” There are actually MANY people for each person. There’s no ONE person. We can have many soulmates out there. Instead of looking for the ONE – work on being the best you that you can be, so that you attracting the best pool of people. People are mirrors for us – so if you want someone kind, practice kindness.

5) “Don’t be selfish.” It’s not being selfish to let your needs be known. You can’t count on your partner to be a mind-reader, and you can’t act like a doormat. If you want something, or need something from the relationship, speak up!

6) “Give yourselves space.” When you’re having difficulties, it might seem like a good idea to take a break, to get some distance in the relationship. But this can actually make things worse. What you really need is honesty, intimacy, truthfulness. You need to share on an emotional level. You can only do this when you’re together, not when you’re apart.

7) “Be on the same page” – first of all, this is nearly impossible with any two people. It’s a super high expectation. There are many times when you will have to compromise, when you have to go along to get along. Sometimes there is no middle ground, so you have to take turns. Show your partner that you value their choices and their happiness by getting on their page at times. It’s good to mix things up, learn and grow from each other’s experiences and tastes.

8) “Talk it out.” Yes, talk it out – and then STOP talking. Actions speak louder than words. Don’t go back and rehash or bring up old “stuff.” Focus on solutions – not going over issues again and again.