“Men don’t look at me anymore.” A client once told me about
fifteen minutes into a coaching session. I asked her why she felt this
mattered. In reply she told me she believed because she was getting older that
men no longer found her as physically attractive. This, of course, was not the
truth. The problem was she had allowed her mind to tell her that because she
was aging she was no longer as worthy of finding love. There are millions of
men and women out there who believe similarly. Thus, the Hot Chick/Player
Syndrome has emerged and taken hold in American society.

Here in America we have some very obvious, but skewed,
standards of what makes a person desirable. For a woman it is all about how
physically attractive she is and how much she flaunts her sexual desirability
to the opposite sex. For a man it is all about how many notches he has on his
belt, how many women are at his beck and call, and how many of them he has
slept with. No matter where you go women are living the Hot Chick Syndrome,
believing that if they are not physically attractive and sexy enough they won’t
find true love. Men are given this player image, or Player Syndrome, and told
it is the epitome of manliness. It’s no wonder that society believes the myth
to be truth. Men are taught the standards are “How much fun can I have? How
much can I score and how best can I go about it?” The Player Syndrome holds to
the belief that there is no permanent love. The Hot Chick and Player Syndrome
are the male and female equivalents of the same thing. Both the Hot Chick and
Player Syndromes are all about mastering the outer game. But the truth is you can
never master the outer game without the inside as well.

This is what I believe to be the state of love here in
America. The myth is presented everywhere from pop music, film, advertisements,
and even books. So what has brought about this myth of how to achieve true
love? There is little to no reference point for love. Many grow up in homes
where loving relationships were not modeled for them for various reasons. If a
person has not had that model of what a healthy and loving relationship looks
like then they have no real reference point to go by. Another reason why this
myth has become the state of love in America is we have an enormous amount of
freedom in this country. While our freedom is a wonderful blessing, it is
frequently abused, especially when it comes to love. Freedom in love without
responsibility is much like giving a toddler an open can of red paint and
leaving them alone in a room full of white walls. Before you can blink much of
that red paint will be all over the room! It is the same way when it comes to
abusing our freedom when it comes to love. This is why having a model for
healthy and loving relationships is so important. Otherwise we are just going
from one myth to another, getting no closer to true love than we were before.

How can we apply Yoga wisdom in these situations? First we
must ask ourselves a series of questions.

1.      
What is love?

2.      
What is marriage?

3.      
Why is marriage important to me?

Yoga has very clear answers to these questions. Yoga teaches
you to work on the inside and everything you need is already inside you. All
you have to do is just got to take off the layers and remove the veil. The way
you achieve this is through yoga techniques.

Yoga Wisdom:

·      
The Hot Chick/Player Syndrome is the male and
female equivalents of the same thing.

·      
Both are about mastering the outside. But you
cannot master the outside without first mastering the inside.

·      
We need to find role models that can show us
what a healthy and loving relationship looks like.

·      
We need to create a balance between freedom and
responsibility.

·      
We need to be able to answer 3 key questions
about love and why we are seeking a relationship.

·      
We need to use Yoga techniques to remove the
layers on the inside so that we can have clear answers to these 3 questions if
we do not have them yet.

You have probably hear people say “When I get this (house, car, job, etc.) THEN I’ll
be happy.” I was guilty of saying the same thing for a long time.

When I was in college I started keeping a planner. I wrote
down every single thing I needed to do that day and then crossed things off as
I completed them. The next day I moved the to-dos over to the next page and
started all over again.

I figured when I got everything on the list done then I
could relax and have fun. It took me about a week before I realized there is no
way to get everything done on your list. My dad passed away a long time ago but
at that time I called him in exasperation and I could tell he got a kick out of
it.

“There will always be a list,” he explained. “Your list is a
process- just like living your life is a process.” He explained that I
shouldn’t wait for everything in the list to be completed before doing the
things that brought me pleasure. It was a balancing act. You have to live in
the present.

Wise words and a great lesson- if you are ready.

Unfortunately I wasn’t. And the universe keeps repeating the
lesson until you get it.  This particular
lesson took different forms over the next 20 years. I thought I had finally put
the lesson to rest long ago- there will always be a list ‚¬Â¦balancing act ‚¬Â¦live in
the present ‚¬Â¦find pleasure. But apparently the universe wasn’t fooled.

A few years ago I divorced the father of my three children,
a man I had been with since my early 20s. Two years later I went through an
extremely painful break-up with the man I thought I was supposed to spend the
rest of my life with. At 42 I was suddenly without any romantic relationship
for the first time since I was 19. And I had never felt more unattractive and
unworthy.

I had a hysterectomy just before the break up and had put on
weight from the instant menopause and hormone fluctuations. Not to mention the
fact that I was drowning my sorrows in peanut butter cups. I had always felt
pretty before but now that there was no one in my life reinforcing it I had
serious doubts. I also kept hearing all of the angry words that had come out of
my exes’ mouths at the end of those relationships about how horrible I was.  

The thought of dating made me want to crawl in a hole.

At the same time I was responsible for myself financially
for the first time ever with no one to fall back on and raising three children.
After dreaming about writing since I was a child I finally started my writing
business. Suffice it to say there wasn’t a lot of time for dating. And I didn’t
think I deserved it anyway.

Dating was an “extra” and I had this whole to-do list to
check off. I had to be the perfect Mommy and build a successful business. Those
two areas created a to-do list like I had never seen before. Add on losing
weight and I was frozen.

It was a pretty miserable time. My business kept me so busy when
the kids were in school and when they came home there was no down time. But the
weekends when they were with their dad were lonely as hell. I spent time with
my “divorced” girlfriends but I still missed being in a relationship. I missed
knowing someone had my back.

That got me thinking about my dad and our to-do list
discussion. I was essentially waiting to check off all of the other things on
my list because THEN I would be happy. Or at least happy enough to meet
someone. But why couldn’t I be happy RIGHT NOW??

Instead of trying to control everything I decided to give it
to the universe. I knew it was time to start trusting that I would be put in
the right experiences at the right time. That it’s OK to date even if I don’t
have everything on my list completed. And even if I don’t feel like I look
perfect.

I am still pretty busy. And my self-confidence isn’t back to
where it was pre-breakups. But the more I do it the better I feel about myself.
The more I do for myself- exercising, “trying” to eat healthy- the better I
feel when I am with my kids or rushing to meet a deadline.  

Little by little the confidence is returning.

There is always a to-do list. But you have to live. And it’s
OK to be happy right now.

Thanks Dad.

I love how powerful we are! Our lives as they exist today are reflective of our deep beliefs about how we deserve to be treated, what relationships are like, and our place in the world.  There are many ways to look at our beliefs and perceptions and to change them.  Using the wisdom of your body and in particular your energy system is one powerful way to access this information.   We began this series with the root chakra, and today we’ll explore the second chakra, your sacral chakra.

Each chakra corresponds to specific areas of your physical bodies, related emotional issues, and represents specific archetypes. Eastern cultures have recognized for centuries the importance of balancing your chakras for optimal emotional, physical, spiritual and mental health.  How Your seven energy centers are:

• Root Chakra – Instinctual Need for Survival
• Sacral Chakra – Pleasure Seeker
• Solar Chakra – Power Driver
• Heart Chakra – Searching for Love
• Throat Chakra – Expressing Your Truth
• Brow Chakra – Transcending Beyond Ego
• Crown Chakra – Spiritual Awakening

Your sacral chakra is located in the area of your navel, lower abdomen, low back and sexual organs. The basic issues affected are creativity, sexuality, money, relationships, empathy, nurturing, pleasure, emotions, movement, change, warmth, and intimacy. It represents your ability to go with the flow – grace and acceptance and allowing yourself to enjoy your life and achievements.  The associated body parts are your hips, lower back, sexual organs, bladder, kidneys, stomach, large intestine, pelvis, appendix, and bodily fluids.

Our roles are affected by the programming in this area of fear of abandonment, financial security, social status, children, and creativity.  You can be controlled by your fears, level of trust, control, blame, guilt and shame. This area is concerned with daily aspects of living, people to whom we relate, and quality of our relationships.  It also relates to everything we own, money, relationships, and passion.

If you are feeling pain or discomfort in your any of these body locations, it may be an indication that there are some emotional issues that need clearing.  I see this every day with my clients.  Low back pain has a high association with money issues among other things.  If you do not have a habit of safely expressing your emotions, it is likely that your lower body is holding onto these emotions until you are ready to process them.  Unexpressed and unprocessed emotions do not go away, they take up residence in your energetic and physical bodies.

Children experience so many things and do not know how to handle them, express them or process them and they become part of your beliefs.  These beliefs are impacting your relationships and your success as an adult.  Remember that the energy travels up through the chakras, so if your root chakra is still holding onto issues of not feeling safe, your sacral chakra is not flowing freely.  Fortunately, we can address this and get your life moving smoothly with ease and grace.

Ask yourself these questions to see if you have any stuck energy in your sacral chakra.

1.            In what areas do you allow yourself to experience pleasure? Where do you not?
2.            Do you feel creative and sensual?
3.            How often do you do things that you don’t really enjoy?  That you do enjoy?
4.            When you do things for others is it from a genuine desire to be of service or are you really trying to win their approval or love?
5.            Do you have co-dependent relationships? How do you contribute to them?
6.            Do you experience jealousy?
7.            Do you trust that life is abundant and there is always enough? 
8.            Do you allow life to be easy or do you believe you have to struggle and sacrifice and that everything is hard?

If you have not already downloaded my free meditation to clear, balance, and heal your chakras, please accept my free gift to you now – a free meditation – A Chakra Clearing, Balancing and Healing Meditation.