Has anyone ever told you how to do something that you’ve already done, and they came across as very critical?

Well, they might call it constructive criticism. Personally, I think that “constructive” and “criticism” is a bit of an oxymoron. They don’t go well together.

The goal of giving feedback is to make sure that the receiver feels, encouraged, empowered, and excited.

Negativity should be kept out of giving feedback.

So, here are 7 keys to giving productive feedback:

1. Observe your language patterns – the words that you use while providing feedback carry a lot of weight. Avoid using generic words of positivity such as “good, fantastic, marvellous, excellent, and brilliant”. Instead, use words that are more descriptive. Words such as “effective, appropriate, timely, clear, insightful, useful, and thorough”.  Using descriptive words, and avoiding vague words provides clarity to the receiver of the feedback. Also, avoid using words that are emotive, especially when providing suggestions on how to do things better. Emotive words will not work for everyone, and your emotions may not be felt by the receiver of the feedback. Instead of being emotional, be logical. Be as specific as you can.

2. Ask questions – sometimes we jump to a conclusion about why the person did what they did. Instead of doing that, ask questions to gain clarity on why the person did what they did. If you wish to give someone feedback that will make them feel empowered, encouraged, and excited, then work with them to understand why they did what they did. And, while asking the question(s), ask in a way that shows that you are seeking clarity, instead of putting them down. For example, a manager is giving feedback to his/her subordinate on a report that they did. Instead of asking “Why the hell are you using different colours and different fonts on the last page?”, the manager could ask “Please tell me, what is the reason for using different colours and different fonts on the last page?”

3. Listen – giving feedback without listening may not be very effective. In a one-on-one scenario, it is advisable to give a piece of feedback, and ask the receiver of the feedback for their input. At times, that person may become defensive. Your goal is to make sure that you clearly explain your role – helping that person to improve. Ask for clarity while giving feedback. Two questions that I ask are 1.) “Does that make sense?” 2.) “Can you see where I am going with this?”

4. Avoid overload – sometimes, less is more. Your goal is not for the person to walk away, feeling overwhelmed. Be clear on the number of points that you wish to discuss with the person. Stick to that number, and give the feedback in chunks of ‘digestible’ information. As a coach, mentor, and staff trainer, my goal is to keep the number of points to a level that the person will be able to comprehend, and not feel overwhelmed by. Determine what the most important thing in your feedback is, and mostly focus on that.

5. Show and tell – yes, don’t just tell them what to do, show them how to do it (whenever possible). Leading by example is something that I have always been very emphatic on. If you can show the person how it could be done, they will be in a better position to do it next time. When I joined Toastmasters International many years ago, I loved how they demonstrated the “points for improvement”.

6. Show respect and protect self-esteem – uphold respect for the person and for what they did, even if you didn’t like what they did. Remember, the goal of providing feedback is to make sure that the receiver feels, encouraged, empowered, and excited. Feedback has the power to make people, and feedback has the power to break people. Showing respect and protecting self esteem is especially important when providing feedback to children. Show respect with your voice, your choice of words, and your body language.

7. Finish with a positive – this is a big one. End the feedback with something that will make the person feel valued. That way, they will be more likely to take on board the suggestions that you have provided to them. Also, this step will make them more receptive to feedback from you in the future. If the person has made an error, focus on the solution, not the problem. As feedback expert John Hattie said “Errors need to be welcomed: The exposure to errors in a safe environment can lead to higher performance.” The person must feel the praise as much as they feel the suggestions.

Quote: “Feedback when given well should not alienate the receiver of the feedback, but should motivate them to perform better.” – M.O., Manager”

These are just some basic suggestions that will help you in improving on providing productive feedback. There are many other steps and methods to providing productive feedback, which you could research and utilise.

I hope I have given you a simple insight into giving productive feedback.

Inspiring you towards your excellence,

Ron Prasad (Author & Speaker)

PS: I have just launched a series of personal development videos called Welcome To Your Life. Here is Episode 8 (How To Enhance Personal Growth) –  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrXFQ-EB4Rc

No one is immune to negative or unhappy experiences in life. We all have been there, done that.

A negative experience has the power to pull you back, make you unproductive, and take a toll on your emotional and mental well being.

Some people are affected by it in an unproductive way, and some people learn from the experience, and turn it into something productive.

The difference is this – the people who are affected in an unproductive manner are the people who allow the negative experience to define them. On the other hand, the people who are affected in a productive manner are the people who use the negative experience to refine them.

Don’t let a negative experience define you, let it refine you!

So, here are 4 steps on how you can use a negative experience to refine you:

1. Remind yourself that the past is the past – As simple as that may sound, some people cannot let go of the past. Their past becomes their identity. In some cases that identity creates a victim mentality. After years of being a Life Coach, and having coached people from all walks of life, I can put my hand on my heart and say this – nothing disempowers a person more than having a victim mentality. A victim mentality keeps people stuck. Worse still, it has the capacity to repel supportive, caring, and nurturing people. I volunteer at a mental health support centre where I made friends with a trauma counsellor. He taught me an exercise that he gave to his clients. He would ask them to clap their hands and repeat “That was then, this is now”. In other words, if you don’t let go of the past, you will never experience the power of “Now”.

2. Adjust your focus – I am a big believer in the Law Of Polarity. It dictates that for every negative, there is a positive. Some people get stuck in the victim mentality because their attention is focussed on the negatives of that given event or experience. If they were to focus on the positives that came out of that event or experience, they would not get stuck in a victim mentality. Instead, they would be more likely to get empowered. In the immortal words of Tony Robbins “Where focus goes, energy flows”. If you have a negative experience that is holding you back, please make a comprehensive list of everything that will serve you productively (as a result of that experience). Write it down each day and read it aloud for the next 30 days. I can assure you that you will gain empowerment.

3. Learn to recognise your patterns – In an article in Psychology Today, Dr Mark Bandschick said that everyone has got triggers and responses. He goes on to say “Learn to recognise yours”. That is so true! When we learn to recognise our triggers, we are in a better position to take immediate action in order to control the outcome of that trigger. Let’s just say that a person’s relationship with their partner ends up in a bad break up. They are left feeling very dis-heartened, and gripped by negative emotions. A few weeks later, they are getting back on track to get on with their life. Then, while driving, they hear a song on the radio that reminds them of their ex-partner. Now, the negativity starts to creep in, and they get into a disempowered state. The song was the trigger and the disempowered state is the response. When I was doing Life Coaching, I used to ask my clients to create a “Happiness Trigger”. It could be anything that makes you smile as soon as you think about it. Most of my clients chose their children, their pets, or something symbolic to their success. One lady whom I coached had the image of her dog running on the beach. Every time she imagined her dog running on the beach, she would smile from ear to ear. Learn to recognise your negative experience triggers, and learn to stop them by using a happiness trigger.

4. Forgive and thrive – Forgive yourself, forgive the other party (if applicable), and give yourself permission to thrive. Forgiveness is a very powerful tool for anyone’s life. Sometimes we are very quick to forgive others, yet very slow to forgive ourselves. Look in the mirror and say “I give you permission to soar above any negative experience from the past. Your present moment is priceless, and you will make your future a fruitful one”. Forgiveness is a very liberating personality trait. Whenever I deliver speeches at schools on bullying, I will say to the targets of bullying “Forgive the bullies, and you will show them that you choose to be the bigger person, you choose to lead by example, and you choose to focus on things that are positive, productive, and powerful”.

Please use the above mentioned 4 steps to help you break free from anything from the past that may not be letting you be productive and purposeful.

I strongly suggest seeking professional help if you are dealing with serious negative experiences from the past that are holding you back from being your best.

Growth is the best possible outcome for any negative experience”

John C. Maxwell

I hope I have given you a simple insight into doing something productive in order to break free from negative experiences from the past.

Inspiring you towards your excellence,

Ron Prasad (Author, Speaker, Personal Development Coach) 

PS: I have just launched a series of personal development videos called Welcome To Your Life. Here is Episode 3 (How To Gain More Motivation) – 

– https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZHEyWdaK1Y

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines empathy as “The feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions: the ability to share someone else’s feelings.”

As I write this article, I am also preparing to deliver a speech at a state government organisation, on Diversity In The Workplace.

In that speech, I will say this – “Empathy allows us to be more human.”

What does that mean?

It means that when we come from a place of empathy, we are more in touch with another person’s feelings, thoughts, and reality.

Can empathy be taught?

In one of his articles, empathy expert Dr Roman Krznaric wrote “According to the latest neuroscience research, 98% of people (the exceptions include those with psychopathic tendencies) have the ability to empathise wired into their brains – an in-built capacity for stepping into the shoes of others and understanding their feelings and perspectives.”

I am on the same page as Dr Krznaric – I realise that empathy exists in people. It’s less a matter of teaching them empathy, and more a matter of awakening empathy in them.

How do you awaken empathy in others? Here are 3 suggestions:

1. Use questions – As speaker, I ensure that my speeches have emotionally engaging questions throughout the speech. Whenever I do volunteer speaking for charities, my goal is to get the audience members to support the charity. How do I achieve that goal? By awakening empathy in them. How do I awaken empathy in them? By asking questions! I ask questions such as “Can you imagine how the people in need will feel when they receive support from this charity?” Followed by “When you put yourself in their shoes, do you gain clarity on their plight?” In my Effective Communication training courses, this is something that I say emphatically “When you make a statement, people listen. When you ask a question, people think.” As you can see, questions have the power to awaken empathy.

2. Use “call backs” – A call back is when you make reference to something that happened in the past to the person whom you are engaging with at the time. For example, let’s say that you are parent, talking to your child. Your request to him/her is to be kind to other children. You could say something along the lines of “Do you remember when I took you to my manager’s son’s birthday party? You didn’t know anyone there. My manager’s son was very kind to you and played with you. Can you please do the same thing to kids that you don’t know when they come to our place”. A call back is very emotionally engaging because it makes the person re-live an experience.

3. Lead by example – This is one of the most empathic ways to awaken empathy in others. Actions indeed speak louder than words. I am fortunate and blessed to know many people who have dedicated their lives to the services of others (be it humans or animals). These role models of mine have not only awakened more empathy in me, they have also enlightened thousands of others to become more empathic. When you lead by example and beam empathy towards other living beings, people are more likely to follow your lead. Through experience I can say this – empathy breeds empathy. Whenever I see or hear from someone who beams empathy, I become more inclined to show more empathy. So, please lead by example!

Now, let’s look at when/where to use empathy:

·  Home – When I was a kid, my mum used to take three modes of transport (car, train, bus) to get to work for a few years. My goal was to make life easier for my mum when she got back from work. After coming back from school, I would tidy the kitchen, get the washing off the line, and take the rubbish out before she got home from work. Put yourself in the shoes of people at home, and feel what they’re going through. Then, look at how you can help them.  

·  Work – Whenever I deliver staff training to sales professionals, this is what I ask “Put yourself in the shoes of your clients. Look at things from their perspective. Now, tell me, what do they want, how do they want it, and when do they want it?” You can also apply that to your colleagues and have empathy for them.

·  Conflict Resolution – Whenever I am called upon by organisations to assist with conflict resolution, the first question I ask each party is “Please tell me in precise detail, what is it that you are asking for?” Followed by “Now, please put yourself in the position of the other party (see things from their perspective and feel their emotions) and tell me what would you want?”

·  Social justice causes – As mentioned earlier, in all my social justice work, I ask people to put themselves in the position of those that I am willing to make a difference to. You could do the same. Help people in awakening empathy, and they will be more willing to take part in making a positive impact.

Empathy is universal and has no barriers. It can be applied to anyone, anywhere, and anytime.  

I switched to a plant based diet in 2009 because I had empathy for animals.

Whenever you put yourself in the place of another living being and make an attempt to see what they see and feel what they feel, you are connecting with a deeper part of you that was created to feel for others, think of others, and act for others.  

Quote: ““Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself.”  Mohsin Hamid

I hope I have given you a simple insight into being empathic and helping others in awakening empathy.

Inspiring you towards your excellence,

Ron Prasad (Author, Speaker, Personal/Professional Development Mentor)

PS: I have just launched a series of personal development videos called Welcome To Your Life. Here is Episode 2 (Self Image) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MLYE8WMzVo

Article based on the book Stop Being Lonely. Copyright © 2016 by Kira Asatryan. Reprinted with permission from New World Library. www.NewWorldLibrary.com

Guest Blog by Kira Asatryan.

If you’re human, you’ve felt lonely – at least once or twice. If you’re a straight woman, you’ve likely craved the tender embrace of a man when this loneliness hits. Women know the road to happiness isn’t paved with men, and yet they’re often our first thought when we’re feeling unnervingly alone.

Men make us feel wanted. They make us excited about the future. It’s only natural to find comfort in finding a potential mate.

But women should know that a vast (and growing) body of research suggests that men – comforting as they may be – are the less skilled gender when it comes to creating meaningful connections… the type of connections that alleviate loneliness.

The research suggests, in fact, that women are better at providing the types of interactions that reduce loneliness – even for other women.

According to a study in which 96 college seniors recorded and rated every social interaction they had over a 2-week period, both male and female participants felt less lonely after talking to a woman.

As psychologist Carolyn E. Cutrona succinctly puts it, “…the amount of time spent interacting with females was a strong negative predictor of loneliness for both males and females; the more time students spent with women, the less lonely they were.”

So, my question to you is: should we be prioritizing time with women over time with men when we’re feeling lonely? Below are good reasons to give this some consideration.

Women Excel at “Getting” People

As I discuss at length in my book Stop Being Lonely, the foundation of an interaction that reduces loneliness is the feeling that you’ve been understood by the other person. When you believe the other person “gets” you – or at least an aspect of you – you instantly feel more seen and known… a precursor to feeling more connected.

While men are certainly capable of getting to know women and eventually sparking this “feeling seen” sensation in them, there’s good reason to believe that women spark it faster.

First of all, women are generally more comfortable sharing personal information than men are; men tend to be socialized to hold their private lives closer to the vest. This matters because – in an interaction – once one person reveals something private, the other person is much more likely to reciprocate with their own private revelation.

The reciprocal willingness of women to share private information – or “self-disclose” – builds upon itself when two women are interacting. Double the women may mean double the understanding.

In addition, female-to-female relationships tend to grow more consistently than female-to-male relationships, in part because women’s brains are better at remembering this personal information that’s been revealed and retrieving it at their next interaction.

According to analysis of over 1,000 brain scans, women’s brains are more wired for social skills and memory – a combination that’s excellent for retaining details about another person’s private life. In the words of Ragini Verma, a researcher at the University of Pennsylvania, “Women are better at remembering things. When you talk, women are more emotionally involved – they will listen more.”

Women Notice and Validate Feelings

To be less lonely, you need to feel at least somewhat understood by the person with whom you’re interacting – but that’s not all. You must also feel like that person cares about what you’re revealing. They must seem (at the very least) interested in what you’re sharing, or the potential connection will fall flat.

In other words, if the person you’re confiding in doesn’t appear to care about what you’re saying, confiding will feel like a mistake. You’ll feel like you took a risk, made yourself vulnerable, and it backfired.

The key to making someone feel cared about is emotional validation, and – surprise, surprise – women are better at it than men. While our society has long assumed that women are more fluent in emotions than men, it’s only recently than science has started to prove that that is the case.

In a 2009 study conducted by researchers at the Université de Montréal, live actors simulated facial expressions in front of a group of male and female participants, and the participants were asked to assess the emotions they had seen on the actors’ faces. The female participants were better at distinguishing between emotions – particularly the negative emotions of fear and disgust.

Perhaps even more intriguingly, all the participants “responded quicker when emotions were portrayed by a female rather than a male actor.” This implies that women are better at both identifying and expressing emotions.

But caring isn’t just the ability to name what someone is feeling; it’s also the ability to respond to that person’s feelings in a supportive way. And a 2015 study published in the journal Psychological Science found that, under moderate stress, women were better at being supportive of others than men were.

While men “made more negative comments and had more negative reactions” to their partners when stressed, “stressed women continued to offer positive support to their partners.”

Are Female-to-Female Relationships Undervalued?

While all this research may earn women some bragging rights, my goal here is not to imply that women are the better gender – not even socially. I could write an equally convincing piece that extolled the social virtues of men.

My goal is simply to pose two questions: First, are we women looking too intently at men to alleviate our loneliness? And second, are we undervaluing our relationships with women?

Actually, I think there’s a third question in here, as well. Are we women, at times, confusing a longing for connection with a longing for the company of men… or vice versa? While these two desires may masquerade as one another, they are decidedly different. And if science tells us anything, it’s that one of these two desires can be fulfilled by women.

Based on the book Stop Being Lonely. Copyright © 2016 by Kira Asatryan. Reprinted with permission from New World Library. www.NewWorldLibrary.com

Kira Asatryan is a certified relationship coach and author of Stop Being Lonely: Three Simple Steps to Developing Close Friendships and Deep Relationships. For more relationship tips, visit kiraasatryan.com and follow her on Twitter @KiraAsatryan.

Has anyone ever told you about time management, and how important it is in today’s hectic world?

In the corporate sector, time management is a big thing. I have delivered time management courses in corporate workplaces.

The first thing that I say in my time management courses is this – time cannot be managed. You can only manage how you spend your time.

Please think about this – time will tick away, one second at a time for you, for me, and for anyone else for that matter. In other words, you cannot manage how time will tick away.  

You may have heard of the old adage – “Time and tide wait for no one”.

Well, you and I are not exempt from that quote.

I remember Tony Robbins saying something along the lines of – “The only equal opportunity that we have is time. We all have 24 hours in a day. It doesn’t matter where you live, who you are, or what you look like, time has been given to you at 24 hours a day”.

How true is that statement?

So, how can you manage what you do with your time?

Here are a few tips:

1.    Be organised – As simple as this may sound, being organised is a very effective tool in being productive. Do you know what you will do for the day, at the start of that day? One strategy that I suggest in my corporate training course is to think calmly when organising your day or week. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, count to three, and then start organising yourself. Being calm will allow you to think straight. When you think straight, you will have more clarity. And, clarity enhances productivity.

2.    Learn to say “No” – In a previous article I mentioned that saying “No” to others can be a very liberating experience. I once read somewhere “Saying “No” to other people is saying “Yes” to yourself. That is very true indeed. When you say “No” to someone with a genuine reason for saying “No”, you should expect yourself to be at peace with that decision. Now, we cannot control how others will feel or react or respond. All we can do is be diplomatic and give them a reason as to why you are saying “No”. If you are too busy pleasing others, you will never be able to please yourself.

3.    Overcome procrastination – By procrastinating, you will do two things. First, you will have mental baggage that will keep reminding you that you have to get something done. Second, when you eventually get around to doing what you had been putting off, chances are you will be in a rush to do it. When you rush to get things done, they might not turn out the way you wanted them to. Procrastination is the killer of dreams. Kill it before it kills your dreams. The best way to do that is to just get going and doing what has to be done (no excuses, no delays, and no waiting).

4.    Technology free time – In an article in Forbes, Natalie Sisson says that at times we should turn off the internet. My approach is very similar to that. On Sundays, I observe a technology free zone. No internet time at all on Sundays for me. Unless it is an emergency, I will not log on using my phone or my laptop. Please be honest in answering this question – have you ever mindlessly surfed the net?  Most people will respond with a resounding “Yes”. Create yourself a technology free zone, and use that time on things that are more important.

5.    Move – Once again, as simple as this may sound, move your body. Human beings are healthier and happier (in general) when their bodies are moving more. As Tony Robbins says “Physiology creates psychology” and “Motion creates emotion”. I have found this to be the case time and time again – when people with desk jobs get up and move for a few minutes, they are more likely to be productive. When I was in my early 20’s, and working for a major financial institution, things were super hectic towards the end of the financial year. I used to get up, go to the top floor of the building (it was only a six storey building), and do stretching and deep breathing for a few minutes in the balcony. At times, I even did shadow boxing. I would come back to my desk feeling energetic and productive. So, if you start feeling sluggish, get up and move. Being productive equates to using your time better.

6.    Avoid unimportant phone calls – I have a golden rule that I never break. If my mobile phone rings while I am eating, I will not take that call. My belief is that food is to be respected. So, I won’t take any phone calls while I am eating. There is something else that I do not do. I will not take phone calls from hidden numbers or private numbers after hours. If it is an important phone call, they will leave a message. My suggestion to you is to screen your calls and then decide if it is important or not.

7.    Give back to society  – Yes, you might not have expected this one! Conventional time management wisdom may tell you that giving back to society will not help you in using your time better. What I have found is that when we fit in giving back into our hectic schedules, we become more fulfilled. Now, my belief is that fulfilment breeds productivity, not complacency. Whether you are a CEO or a housewife, once you start giving back to society, your sense of purpose gets stronger. When your sense of purpose gets stronger, you are more likely to be wiser with using your time. When I was doing Executive Coaching for CEOs and MDs, each and every one of them mentioned that doing volunteer work for their chosen cause strengthened their commitment to themselves. When you are committed to yourself, you will use your time wisely!

Quote: “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.”

 Michael Altshuler.

I hope I have given you a simple insight into productively using your time.

Inspiring you towards your excellence,

Ron Prasad (Author, Speaker, Personal/Professional Development Coach)

PS: To order my book, please go to www.WelcomeToYourLifeBook.com. For $19.95, you get the book, thousands of dollars in bonus gifts from some of the best personal development experts in the world (such as Bob Proctor, Marci Shimoff, Dr Joe Rubino), and you get to give back to the community by supporting my charity!  I appreciate your support.