This week is National
Suicide Prevention Week. It is
heartbreaking to think that suicide is that pervasive of a problem in our
society to warrant such a week. And yet
it is. Suicide takes the lives of nearly
30,000 Americans every year. There are
twice as many deaths from suicide as there are from HIV/AIDS. It is the third
leading cause of death for 15-24 year old Americans. And there are more than
800,000 attempted suicides every year.
Those are the statistics.
And then there are the
stories.
Perhaps the worst thing
about suicide is the pain that it causes to those left behind. These people are known as the survivors. And
telling our stories can help us to heal from the trauma of this experience.
When Gia Allemand, the
reality television star, took her own life last month, the topic of suicide
became a part of a national discussion.
Gia’s distraught mother spoke with Dr. Phil about her feelings, which
echo that of many survivors.
Sometimes there are warning
signs. And then sometimes the incident
seems to come from out of nowhere.
That’s how it was when I found out that my friend Ophir had died. I remember getting a phone call from our
mutual friend Curt. He was in a state of
disbelief as he had just gotten the
news. It took a few phone calls to
figure out exactly what had happened.
Ophir had committed suicide.
I knew Ophir as an extremely
talented and creative composer. We
worked together on several music projects.
We had a close friendship, and a great respect for each other. Ophir helped me bring my songs to life. When Ophir had a hernia operation, I had him
stay at my home while he recovered.
I was aware that Ophir used
drugs. I spoke with him about it many
times, offering him alternatives, and suggestions for a more healthy way of
life. But he did not want to hear
it. He did not want to talk about
it. He always functioned perfectly well
when we were working, and he assured me that he did not have a problem. When I heard that Ophir had died, I assumed
it was an accidental overdose. But there
was no accident about Ophir’s death. He
planned it. He put a rifle in his mouth
and shot himself.
Like most people do in this
situation, I started asking myself all kinds of questions. What could I have done to prevent this? Why didn’t I see this was coming? What was so terrible that he had to do
this? I felt awful, not only for myself,
but for his family, everyone who loved him.
Suicide is such a violent act. It
is terribly hurtful to everyone left behind with so many unanswerable
questions. I don’t know what brought
Ophir to his decision. I do know and
recognize that although our relationship has changed, he is still very much a
part of my life. I have the songs we
wrote together on my websites. He taught
me so much about music and the creative process. When certain songs come on the radio I am
reminded of him, and his amazing energy, sweet smile, and sly sense of
humor. His words still influence
me. His music still moves me.
I know that the agreement that
Ophir and I had was complete even before his death. There was no unfinished business between
us. We learned from each other, both
creatively and personally. At his
funeral I met many others who felt the same way.
This was the second time
that I had been affected by suicide.
When I was around eleven years old, shortly after my parents’ divorce,
my mother’s brother took his own life.
He was a Vietnam veteran, and he became hooked on drugs while he was in
the war. When he got home, he couldn’t
handle normal life after seeing everything he saw in combat. His drug problem got worse, he would have
hallucinations, and he overdosed to escape the pain.
I
saw how this shattered my mother and grandmother. He also left behind a wife and baby
daughter. It was tragic. As a child I could sense how awful this was
for everyone. And now as an adult I can
see how my uncle’s life mattered. Even
in the short time he was with us, he brought joy to his mother, and love to his
family. He struggled with life, and he
chose to die. But while he was here he
lived, and he had the opportunities and experiences that allowed him to learn
and grow. He may not have made the best
choices, but they were his choices. In
situations like this you have to get past the blame, and the guilt, and know
that there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. For whatever reason, this person took his own
life. It is not rational, or logical, or
right. But it is irreversible. And we learned by going through all of this
together as a family.
Chaim Nissel, PsyD is the
Director of Yeshiva University’s Counseling Center in New York City, and an
expert with the American Association of Suicidology. He has this to say about coping with the
loss of a loved one from suicide:
“The death of a loved one by suicide has
all the trappings of conventional grief plus a host of other intense, difficult
and confusing emotions. These include
feelings of guilt and responsibility, anger and blame and often a disconnect
with the individual who killed himself.
When we lose a loved one to cancer or AIDS, we accept the reality, feel
the loss, grieve, yet we don’t blame ourselves.
Following a suicide, it is hard to accept the reality that the
individual chose death. We feel
responsible and wonder “if I had only�..” he’d be alive today. We would rather blame ourselves because it is
difficult to place the responsibility where it belongs, on the individual who
killed himself.
One who experiences the death of a loved
one to suicide is fittingly called a “survivor.” They must now learn to cope and survive their
loss. Most survivors experience anger,
guilt and emotional turmoil. There is
often anger at the deceased for taking their own life, it is seen as selfish,
because their pain ends, but the survivor’s pain begins. Guilt over what they could have and should
have done to prevent it (although if the loved one wanted to die, they would
have despite your interventions). We
like to think that we can control events, but when another person is in such
emotional pain that they want to die, the choice to kill themselves remains
their choice, despite everything that you can and did offer them.
There is still tremendous stigma and
shame associated with suicide and when the fact that one died by suicide is
hidden or denied, it becomes so much more difficult to come to terms with
it. When we try to “cover” or pretend
the death was accidental, it takes its toll on the survivors and will impact
them the rest of their lives.”
To help us
find closure, Dr. Nissel has this advice:
-Talk about
it! Find supportive people in your life
that you can share your feelings with.
-Focus on the person’s
life, and the good memories you have of the person. Know that you will never truly know why he
killed himself.
-Recognize that the
person’s pain is over, now it’s time to start healing your own pain.
-Have answers prepared
for when people ask questions. This will
help reduce your anxiety and emotional reactions. You can say “He took his own life” or “died
by suicide” or even “he suffered a long illness.” It someone is persistent, blaming or
insensitive, you can say “it is too difficult to talk about right now” and end
the conversation.
-Know that you are not
responsible for your loved one’s death, in any way Only the individual who killed himself is
responsible.
-Know that the likelihood
is that the person was in such pain, for so long and now the suffering is
over. 90% of those that die by suicide
suffered from some form of mental illness, most commonly an affective disorder
such as depression or bipolar disorder.
-Seek resources such as
professional counseling, support groups, and books.
-Being exposed to a
suicide makes you somewhat more susceptible to suicidal thinking. If you are having thoughts of killing
yourself, get help immediately by contacting a local psychologist or
psychiatrist. If you feel you may act on
these suicidal impulses, call 911 or go to your local emergency room.
The American Foundation for
Suicide Prevention (afsp.org)
helps survivors of suicide. Actress
Michelle Ray Smith, who played “Ava” on the daytime drama “Guiding Light,”
talked about her father’s suicide in an interview with Soap Opera Digest
magazine a few years back. She said that
participating in AFSP’s “Out of the Darkness” event, an overnight 20 mile walk,
helped her connect with people who had been through the same thing. “For the first time since he died – it’s been
three years in September – I feel at peace.”
Talking with people, sharing
our stories, is one way that we can help each other to heal.
Learn more about how you can get closure from any change in relationship in your life: ClosureBook.com
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