When you establish a trust, you name someone to be the trustee. A trustee does what you do right now with your financial affairs – collect income, pay bills and taxes, save and invest for the future, buy and sell assets, provide for your loved ones, keep accurate records, and generally keep things organized and in good order.
24
Mar
24
Mar
CARING FOR THE DYING: THE DOULA APPROACH TO A MEANINGFUL DEATH
An excerpt from:
Caring for the Dying: The Doula Approach to a Meaningful Death by Henry Fersko-Weiss
Henry Fersko-Weiss
Conari Press, March 2017
ISBN: 9781573246880
Pages 66-69, “Centering”
Centering
Good listening begins well before the first words are uttered. It starts by shifting out of the busy mind we carry around with us at all times—a mind filled with thoughts and feelings like schools of fish that change direction in an instant and swim rapidly in every direction. Imagine that you are at a lecture, trying to hear the ideas being presented, but a couple next to you doesn’t stop talking the whole time. That couple is your busy mind distracting you and interfering with your ability to hear the lecture. A name for the act of shifting out of busy mind is “centering.”
There are many different approaches to centering. As a student of Zen Buddhism, I find that meditating on breathing is an approach that works well. Perhaps ten or fifteen minutes before I visit a dying person or the family, I will meditate on my breath as I sit in my car or walk down the street to where the person lives. If I’m sitting, I will focus my mind on the physical sensations of my breath in my lower belly or at my nostrils. If I’m doing walking meditation, I coordinate each breath with the stepping motion of one foot after the other, concentrating on the sensations of raising and lowering my legs and the contact of my feet with the ground.
At times, I will add a short phrase spoken internally and softly as I breathe in and out, a practice that comes from the teaching of Thich Nhat Hanh. For example, breathing in, I might say: “This moment.” Breathing out, I would say: “Only moment.”
Another approach utilizes guided imagery, also called visualization. I will explore guided imagery more thoroughly in chapter 9. For now, I want to describe a centering visualization.
For this visualization, a person sits with their eyes closed, so they can move more easily into the imagination. They start with a minute or two of breath meditation, then call up the image of a still pool of water—perhaps in a forest. Then they visualize sitting at the edge of the water watching its surface. A frog jumps in, creating ripples that move outward in all directions from the plop of where it entered the water.
As the person continues to watch the surface of the water, the ripples slowly dissipate until the pool is completely still again. The person feels themselves become that stillness. When they feel ready, they open their eyes and carry that stillness and the receptivity of the pool in their mind as they enter the person’s home or room.
The busy mind can be very insistent. Thoughts, memories, sounds, or bodily sensations will drag a person away from their focus. Each time that happens, just return to the centering practice. The activity of returning over and over again to the breath, or to a mental snapshot of the still pool, will keep them centered as they prepare to listen to a dying person or family member.
Centering stills the mind and accesses intuition that may help a person see things not obvious to the upper layers of consciousness. But they also need to open outward to listen deeply. So once a person is centered, they turn their focus to every sound they can hear in the space around them. In this part of the preparation, it’s essential for a person to maintain some portion of their focus on the breath at the same time that they listen intently to every sound. It is this dual focus, awareness of what is happening inside as well as outside, that is most effective for listening deeply.
The last part of centering is to set an intention to let go of all expectations and goals. If a person is caught up in wanting to make something wonderful happen, is anxious about saying the wrong thing, or has an agenda related to a particular issue, then they are too caught up in concerns about themselves or their ideas about what is needed to truly listen.
Family members will have to distinguish between times they intend to listen to their dying loved one and times when they may need to bring up an issue or raise a concern. It is often hard for family to separate these two activities. A doula can help with this. For a dying person to speak openly and freely—particularly about deeply meaningful or emotional subjects—they must know that their family member is there at this time to just listen. This can be so critical as the dying person faces their final days.
After setting an intention internally, I find it helps to verbalize that intention out loud. There is something about speaking it, even though I’m alone in my preparation, that seems to give it weight and power; that makes it feel like a commitment I intend to strive toward.
As I do this part of my preparation, I will hold my hands with palms together in front of my face or heart, which comes out of my Zen practice and symbolizes for me that the giver and receiver, or the listener and speaker, are not two and not one at the same time. This gesture with the hands is also a sign of gratitude for whatever will be offered.
22
Mar
Who Should Be Your Successor Trustee?
If you have a revocable living trust, you probably named yourself as trustee so you can continue to manage your own financial affairs, but eventually someone will need to step in for you when you are no longer able to act due to incapacity or after your death. The Successor Trustee plays an important role in the effective execution of your estate plan.
21
Mar
How to Stop Constipation with a Few Simple Tests and Adjustments to Your Diet
Guest post by Joy Stephenson-Laws, Founder of Proactive Health Labs (pH) and her team
Constipation is one of the most common digestive complaints, affecting around 42 million people in the U.S, according to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases (NIDDK). Unsurprisingly, a study in an article published in the American Journal of Gastroenterology found an increased number of emergency room visits for constipation between the years 2006-2011. To understand why this problem seems to be on the rise, let’s take a look at what constipation is and what you can do.
What is constipation?
Constipation generally refers to bowel movements that are infrequent and hard to pass. Many times, people compare stool to their own standard. But this may not be enough to find out the optimal number and type of bowel movements. BMs affect quality of life especially when waste accumulates, leading to sensations of fullness, sluggishness, headaches, mood issues, abdominal discomfort and/or even pain. The Bristol stool chart is a useful tool to assess formation of your stools.
Generally, one to two soft BMs per day are ideal. Although doctors may accept two to three days of no BMs as a natural variation, it may be an indicator that something is backing up. The amount of BMs may be related to volume and type of food and water intake. The goal is to have adequate absorption of essential nutrients, and get rid of waste in a timely manner
Causes of constipation vary and may be due to a number of factors, such as the medications you take (opioids, calcium channel blockers, iron supplements and others), being inactive, pregnancy, travel, diet and health conditions that slow digestion (such as disorders and injuries that affect the brain and spinal cord, hypothyroidism and diabetes).
People who are constipated for long periods of time may also experience additional complications like hemorrhoids, anal fissures, rectal prolapse (rectum protrudes out of the anus) or fecal impaction (hardened stool stuck in the rectum).
Luckily, what may help constipation is as simple as paying closer attention to your nutrition intake. And remember, you should always talk to your doctor about any medical issues or concerns you have!
So what are some remedies for constipation?
You may need more fiber! Most Americans don’t get enough dietary fiber.
But what exactly is fiber? Fiber refers to the undigested parts of food. According to the NIDDK, fiber helps make stool soft so it can move smoothly through your intestines.
There are two types of fiber — soluble and insoluble. Soluble fiber dissolves in water and is found in beans, fruit and oats. Insoluble fiber does not dissolve in water and may be found in whole grains and veggies. Both kinds help prevent constipation, the NIDDK says. (Find more examples of fiber-rich foods here and here).
Most Americans eat 16 grams of fiber a day but should be getting 22-34 grams a day. But it’s not only the amount of fiber that matters, but also the rate at which you increase your fiber. Ramping it up full tilt can cause gas, bloating and cramps. Be sure to add fiber to your diet slowly so your body can adjust.
Also, make sure you are drinking plenty of fluids (water, fruit and veggie juices and clear soups) to help the fiber work better. And make sure you’re not eating foods that are making constipation worse.
What foods should you avoid if you’re constipated?
If you are constipated, foods with little to no fiber may be working against you, the NIDDK says. You may want to try avoiding cheese, chips, fast food, ice cream, meat, prepared frozen meals/snack foods and processed foods like “TV dinners” or hot dogs, and see if your constipation improves.
Still facing digestive issues and feel like nothing works?
- Exercise may help stimulate circulation and intestinal function. And you should also factor in your bacterial balance in your gut. Here’s what you should know:
- Probiotics may help. In a studypublished in The Netherlands Journal of Medicine, certain bacteria patterns were shown not only to be associated with increased health risks and higher weight, but were also associated with higher rates of constipation. Addition of healthy gut bacteria caused improvement in BMs. You can get probiotics in supplement form or in food products such as kefir and kombucha.
- Human microbiome transplantshows promise. Microbiome is a term that refers to the diversity of gut bacteria. Although it sounds very unappealing to transfer bacterial colonies from a healthy person into the colon of an unhealthy person, it has been successfully done and has also improved several gut diseases, including clostridium difficile infections and chronic conditions such as colitis and Crohn’s disease.
Testing that could benefit everyone
- GI effectspanel: This new stool test detects unhealthy bacteria, overall bacterial balance, the degree of inflammation and problems with food absorption.
- Intracellular magnesium:The American diet is frequently associated with certain mineral deficiencies such as magnesium or potassium. Low magnesium intake has been associated with an increase in constipation. Supplementing with magnesium may help with chronic constipation. Note that it’s known to be a laxative, so don’t take more than is recommended. You can test to determine how much you have and how much you need.
- Preventive colonoscopy:Although it is not the most appealing medical exam, it makes total sense to have yourself checked out, especially over the age of 50. This can detect polyps or tumors in the early stages. Severe constipation or alterations of BMs can be an early warning sign for various diseases.
- Thyroid testing:Impaired thyroid function is not only related to weight gain, general sluggishness, leg swelling and low energy but is also related to constipation. Test your thyroid every two to five years, depending on your doctor’s recommendation.
You also may want to consider a nutrition test to see if your body is getting and absorbing the nutrients it needs.
Enjoy Your Healthy Life!
The pH professional health care team includes recognized experts from a variety of health care and related disciplines, including physicians, health care attorneys, nutritionists, nurses and certified fitness instructors. To learn more about the pH Health Care Team, click here.
Joy Stephenson-Laws is the founder of Proactive Health Labs (pH), a revolutionary health care company that provides tools needed to achieve optimal health. Her new book, Minerals – The Forgotten Nutrient: Your Secret Weapon for Getting and Staying Healthy [Proactive Health Labs, Inc., 2016] is available through Amazon or wherever books are sold. All proceeds from the book will be donated to The Bili Project Foundation; an organization devoted to reducing the incidents and improving the outcome of Hepatobiliary cancers, which are cancers of the liver, gallbladder or bile ducts. Connect with Proactive Health Labs on Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, Pinterest, Goodreads, and at www.phlabs.org.
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20
Mar
Caution: Your Traditional Asset Protection Plan is Set Up to Fail
You may be surprised to learn that you already have asset protection in place. In fact, you probably have one or more types of traditional asset protection planning in place at this very moment. The problem is it likely won’t be enough to protect you and your family. read more
18
Mar
The Top 2 Ways the Court Gets Involved in Your Estate, and How to Avoid Them
No one wants unnecessary 
court involvement in their life. But without careful and proactive estate planning, chances are that some aspect of your estate will end up being decided there. read more
15
Mar
AB Trusts – Do You Need to Get Rid of Yours?
Are you married and is the last time you and your spouse updated your estate plan more than a few years ago? Then chances are your estate plan contains good old “AB Trust” planning (also called “Marital and Family Trusts” or “QTIP” and “Bypass Trusts”) which, up until 2011, was the only way for married couples to double the value of their federal estate tax exemptions. All of this changed in 2011 when “portability” of the estate tax exemption between spouses was introduced for the first time. read more
13
Mar
The Shocking Truth About Asset Protection Planning
Some view asset protection planning with a skeptical eye. They believe there is a moral obligation to pay one’s debts. They think that asset protection planning is immoral because it prevents a creditor from collecting on a judgment entered by a court. read more
10
Mar
Who Needs an Estate Plan?
If you’re reading this, you need an estate plan. Why? The short answer is “Everyone, age 18 and older needs an estate plan.” It doesn’t matter if you are old or young, if you have built up considerable wealth or if you are just entering adulthood – you need a written plan to keep you in control and to protect yourself and those you love. read more
09
Mar
The Madonna Complex: Why Your Man Won’t Have Sex With You Because He Prefers Pornography
Guest post by Dr. Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D.
Have you ever heard of the Madonna complex? It has nothing to do with Madonna the entertainer. It is not some catchy “pop” psychology concept which sprung up overnight. Its legacy can be traced back to Sigmund Freud, the great Psychoanalyst and his psychosexual theories. Freud was a major believer in the notion that all human behaviour –wishes, dreams and gratifications, had a strong psychosexual basis.
The Madonna complex asserts that the man reason men choose not to have sex with their wives is because their wives remind them too much of their mothers — having sex with their wives would be like having sex with their mothers. It’s not that these men find their wives unattractive because they don’t! Instead, they are just not “sexually/physically” into them because their wives are more like a mother figure. In fact, these “mother” figures possess a sacred resemblance for some!
Freud was big on transference, treating someone else like someone already close to you in your life. In this case it is mom. Gee, sounds a whole lot like the movie ‘Psycho’ and hit TV series ‘Bates Motel’ doesn’t it? By the way, I love both of them, and I also love my mother, but not the way Norman does. Just saying! This transference prevents a man from having sex with his wife, for one of these two reasons:
1) His wife reminds him too much of his mother, whom he reveres, holds sacred and views her with untarnished purity.
2) His wife reminds him of his mother who hurt, neglected or mistreated him as a child and he despises her.
In either scenario, his wife vicariously becomes the physical re-incarnate of his mother (No, she is not stuffed or taxidermied!). There is not a snowball chance in hell of her receiving the physical attention she yearns for. You see, most men who select wives who remind them of the mothers, eventually end up despising their wives because they remind them too much of their moms and in many cases, they are not even physically attracted to them. Instead, the women serve more as companions or comfort figures –
mothers, sisters or nurturers who make the men feel secure in the relationship.
The attributes of the Madonna complex can be traced back to both European and Latin American roots. Marianismo is a term often linked to the Madonna complex. The concept is derived from the Roman Catholic belief that the Virgin Mother Mary was both a virgin and the lady Madonna. The theme surrounding Marianismo is moral virtue which places women on a somewhat semi-divine level. When discussing women in the context of Marianismo, they are represented as being morally superior to men. I bet some women are chuckling to themselves, saying, “I told you so!” The purity that woman are said to possess makes them spiritually stronger.
Marianismo also asserts that women are the physically weaker, gentle, docile and the passive gender. Women are “softer” in both their physicality and in their personalities. As a result of this, men are the aggressors when it comes to sex. Even though most women long to have children, men tend to be the aggressors who, “hunt”, “stalk”, “chase” and pursue their mates. Interestingly if you examine ‘stalking laws’ and stats for stalkers, exponentially more men continue to stalk women.
Even though things have greatly changed in today’s society – women being more assertive, aggressive and dominant when it comes to selecting and pursuing mates, in many parts of the world, even in North America, the virtue of women still being the weaker more passive of the two in terms of relationships is very much alive, well and the norm. Unfortunately, this is still portrayed in many soap operas, novels and of course pornography, which I will get to in a bit.
When look at Marianismo in today’s society, the following is often seen and expected in too many marriages and relationships:
1) Husbands are expected to respect and maintain the sanctity of his wife’s purity.
2) Husbands are expected to view his wife as a passive individual and she is expected to remain passive — physically, sexually and in major decision making.
3) Husbands are expected to abstain from all sexual activities with his wife unless it is for the purpose of procreation.
4) Husbands are expected to nurture his children and remain spiritually pure to set an example for the children.
5) If a hubby feels the needs to “have sex”, then outside affairs are in order to preserve his wife’s purity, his wholesome intentions for her while at the same time satisfying his sexual cravings and massaging his male ego.
Remember folks, this is based on old school beliefs, ideologies and practices. Mercifully it has changed to embraced equality between the sexes, but too many still subscribed to these beliefs.
Then there is ‘Misogyny’, the other side of the Madonna complex coin. Misogyny is a loathing and hatred for women by men and even other women, just because they are female. Back in ancient times, there was this hateful perception of women. It was then that women were treated as second class citizens – not as valuable or revered as men (Sadly, this still happens today around the world and should not be tolerated!). In fact, the famous philosopher Aristotle once postulated women are nothing more than non-perfect men.
Misogyny depicts extreme animosity, even hatred against women. Misogyny is perpetuated in many different facets in today’s society. With the advent of multi-media and “other” new forms of entertainment, you can find it rampant still in television shows, movies, books, commercials, and especially pornography. Is it any wonder violence against women still occurs at such a high rate?
Men with the Madonna complex are trapped in dichotomous thinking; Women are either purely good, or women are purely evil (raunchy). Worst of all, when men think in such polarized terms, it is because they view life in general through these polarized lenses. The ramifications of this can prove detrimental down the road in his relationships or marriage.
With the Madonna complex, sex after marriage defiles the expectations of what a wife is suppose to be and often times the relationship develops major functional issues. Infidelity often occurs because of sex and intimacy issues within the marriage. A husband seeks sex with a “whore”, while a wife seeks sex with someone who is going to meet her needs emotionally –Intimacy!
Some male porn addicts possessing Madonna complex use strip clubs, massage parlours and escorts/prostitutes to satiate their sexual urges, hungers and fantasies. This is “okay” in their minds because they really are not cheating, rather using the services of a paid professional. Can you guess what the number one medium of entertain is? Pornography! Can you guess who the majority of consumers are? Men!
Many men who possess the Madonna complex, become porn addicts, and/or become incapable of having sexual relations with their wives. So many wives “blame” themselves for being unattractive, or not sexy. How can they compete with fantasies created from watching porn or seeing girls in strip clubs? It is not innocent fun when one becomes addicted to pornography, which is rampant among men, and a huge killer of marriages and relationships.
Dr. Debra Laino who is a renowned sex therapist and I wrote the Madonna Complex to show how alive the Madonna Complex is in today’s society, as well as how women (wives and girlfriends) are competing with pornography—the other woman/mistress. Most consumers of pornography traditionally have males. With that said, more women are fast becoming consumers of pornography, and as society changes, it will be interesting to see if more women develop the Madonna Complex, and offer ‘tit for tat’. Now there is a pun if I ever saw one!
Dr. Peter Andrew Sacco is the author of many books including his new popular selling books; Right Now Enough Is Enough: Overcoming Addictions & Bad Habits and The Madonna Complex, and more than 800 magazine articles. Sacco is an award-winning lecturer at universities in both the USA and Canada, specializing in relationships, criminal psychology, addictions, and mental health. He is also a frequent resident expert on several television programs and appears regularly as a guest expert on many news talk radio shows in the USA (FOX, ABC, CBS, Iheart, Coast To Coast, Global News, Reader’s Digest etc.), as well as hosting the weekly radio show “Matters of the Mind: Managing Relationships and Mental Health.” He is also an award-winning executive producer and host of documentaries on relationships, psychological issues and child issues. You can learn more about him, or download free books at www.petersacco.com or www.bullyingisforthebirds.com