Everyone seems to want motivation.

While I have written many articles on this topic, let’s discuss the two types of motivation, and how you can benefit from them.

Renowned goal setting expert, the late Brian Leaning-Mizen wrote about the two types of motivation in his very enlightening book, Beyond Dreaming.  

He said that people are motivated, based on two things:

1. Fear
2. Incentive

As a certified Life Coach and a qualified Counsellor, I concur with that.

Instead of the word “incentive”, I like to use the word “desire”.

People want motivation to do things due to either a fear or a desire.

Let’s look at both of them in detail:

1. Fear based motivation – the most common, or the clearest example of this is the number one fear in western society (the fear of public speaking). I can vouch for this because there was a time in my life when I used to shake and sweat before delivering a speech or a presentation. Imagine that you have to deliver a speech at an upcoming conference or a wedding. What would you do? First, you may look for ways to control or even hide your fear. Second, you might look for tips on public speaking. You might even consider joining a public speaking club like Toastmasters International, or you might take a short course in public speaking. Whatever you do, your actions will be driven by the fear of public speaking. You will be motivated to overcome this fear. You might spend money on a public speaking course. Or, you might spend your evenings in attending a Toastmasters International club’s meetings. Regardless of how tired you are on the night, you will be motivated to attend the club meeting because your fear of public speaking will be motivating you to go.
2. Desire based motivation – a clear and common example of this is weight loss. A person’s desire to have a leaner and fitter body will motivate them to do whatever it takes to achieve this goal. They will focus on how good it will feel when they are in the shape that they desire so much. Their actions will be dictated by that desire. They will find motivation to take the necessary action steps in order to achieve their goal. Let’s imagine that they have a class at their gym to attend in the evening. It will not matter if it is raining and cold or if it is hot and humid. This person will be motivated to attend that class at the gym because their desire will give them motivation to drive their actions. If this person has to go to a work lunch where there will be unhealthy food on offer, they will resist the temptation, and will stick to a healthy meal. Even if their colleagues are indulging in eating cakes and sweets, this person will stick to their healthy meal. Why? They have a burning desire to get their desired physique. The more they think about being in their best shape, the more motivation they will find/get. Their desire will override any temptations.

At this point, you might be wondering “Is desire based motivation better than fear based motivation, or vice versa?”

The answer to that question (in my humble opinion) is “No”.

One is not “better” than the other, purely because they both give you motivation to take action that will lead you to get what you want. As you might already know, the right action steps are very powerful, regardless of the motivation behind them.

The one suggestion that I have for you is this – if you are driven by fear based motivation, be mindful of your language patterns. For example, instead of saying to yourself “I don’t like the fear of public speaking”, say “I want to be confident in public speaking”. Put a positive reference to it. What you say to yourself is very impactful. Try this short exercise for a moment – close your eyes, take a deep breath, and say the word “Confident” aloud. How do you feel after doing that? Chances are, you feel confident.

Your words can be instrumental in creating your feelings. Use encouraging words when you are driven by fear based motivation.

Quote: “Everything that you currently do well might have seemed to be difficult or even impossible at one time.”  Brian Leaning-Mizen

I sincerely hope that you have gained insights into how you can use the two types of motivation to your advantage.

Influencing you to your excellence,
Ron

“Adapt or perish”.

Have you heard that before?

It is said that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. Well, let’s add another one – constant change.

Change is an inevitable part of our existence. Almost every aspect of your life will go through some form of change. Those of us in western societies witness change on a constant basis. Some changes are constructive, some are not. The key is to know how to handle change in a way that the perceived outcome will be constructive. That’s right, you may not be able to control what has changed. You can however, control what the perceived outcome of the change will be.

As I progress through my Diploma Of Counselling, I have realised that many people seek support from a counsellor due to changes in their lives. Some common life changes include developing relationships, ending relationships, moving to a new house, moving to new cities, having children, negotiating adolescence, children leaving home, and retiring.

When I was an Executive Coach, there was no shortage of clients who were continually grappling with changes in their respective organisations. They were not alone in this. Anyone who works for a medium to large organisation will be subjected to changes in the workplace.

Here are 3 steps to productively adapting to change, that I have learnt through experience and qualification:

1. Reframe – look at it from another perspective. Sometimes we view change from the inside out. One of the most profound life lessons I have learnt is this – We must step away from our problems, and look at our problems instead of being in our problems. Ask yourself “What will it show me if I looked at this from an external perspective?”  In other words, if I looked at this from the outside in, what will I see? What will this tell me? Perhaps it is an opportunity for growth (personal and professional). Maybe this is a good time to take an inventory of your skills, talents, and abilities. Could it be that this change will lead you to something better that you might not have considered earlier? Reframing has two benefits. One – it allows you to look at the holistic picture, not just a one-sided view. Two – reframing will support you in exploring other avenues of handling that change. For example, if you have been made redundant, and have been given a pay-out, some of those funds could be used to upskill yourself by gaining a qualification that you may have been contemplating for a long time. Reframing has the power to balance things out. Enlist the help of someone close to you (if you have to), in order to reframe.
2. Refocus – what I noticed through my coaching and mentoring career was that some people are fixated on a particular outcome when it comes to handling change. If they don’t get that outcome, they tend to get disappointed. Your goal should be to focus on what you can control. Yes, we will always be at the mercy of external forces (both positive and negative). At the risk of sounding religious, I will quote American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr – “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”. Once you begin to focus on what you can control and what you can do, a sense of empowerment will be gained. Helplessness which is an emotionally paralysing feeling will be experienced once you start to feel that you are totally not in control of what is happening. Focus on your strengths, your previous proven plans of handling change, and do the best you can with the best you have!
3. Remind – remind yourself that change will keep occurring. It is as sure as sunrise. This is where acceptance plays an integral role. I have written about this many times – “Acceptance empowers you to be more responsible and to take productive action”.  Author and columnist Corine Gatti said “Approach change as a process and be ready to move at your own pace”. She has hit the nail on the head by saying that it is a process. Accept that process. Work within the process, and find strength through acceptance. Another very enlightening quote on acceptance while handling change comes from Joseph Campbell – “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us”. If you are finding it challenging to embrace acceptance, then make a list of what the pros and cons will be if you created more acceptance regarding the change.

Quote: “In this day and age of fast paced living and constant change, you have to think outside the square. If you don’t, your thinking will suffocate inside the square.”  R. Prasad

I sincerely hope that you have gained a simple insight into how you can adapt to constant change.

Influencing you to your excellence,
Ron 

PS: My Anti-Bullying Charity’s latest short video addresses a question – “Another Important Tip For Parents” – https://youtu.be/YhqvUnI4_7o

Do you have expectations of anyone in your life?

Do others in your life have expectations of you?

Do you have certain expectations of yourself?

Today, we will look at some (not all) aspects of expectations. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines expectation as “The act or state of expecting”.

For the purposes of this article, let’s focus on expectations on a person-to-person basis.

First, let’s break it down into two common types of expectations:

1. Realistic expectations – these are what reasonable people would put in place on a person-to-person basis. These types of expectations are those that operate on a common sense basis. An example would be a teacher at a school, having a duty of care toward their student. The parents of the students have an expectation of this teacher to provide their child with formal education. Another example could be domestic duties that are shared. A husband could do the washing while the wife is preparing lunch. With realistic expectations, there is a mutual understanding between the two parties. There are lesser chances of conflict in realistic expectations, when communicated properly.
2. Unrealistic expectations – this is where conflicts can arise. To avoid this happening, please ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you projecting your values upon someone else? For example, a father of a teenage boy might want his son to study for 3 hours each night after school. Why? That is what he did when he was a boy at school.
• Does the person you are expecting from have the time or resources required to meet this commitment? – For example, a manager asking their staff member to do something that the staff member is not capable of. Or, the staff member does not have the resources required to complete the task.
• Are you seeing others as capable as you are? – Tony Robbins wrote something very emphatic. He said “In a relationship, never expect your partner to have your strengths”. That is very liberating advice indeed!

Here are a few suggestions for you, regarding expectations:

• Keep your expectations realistic – by doing so, you will be less likely to be disappointed. Ask yourself “Is this fair on the other person? Why? Why not?”
• Have empathy for others – I have written this before, and I will say it again – “Empathy is a very powerful projection tool because it allows us to be more human”. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. See the expectation from their frame of reference.
• Communicate openly – if you have expectations of someone, communicate your expectation to them, and ask for genuine feedback. That way, you both will learn, and lessen the likelihood of conflict.
• Communicate openly again – if someone has expectations of you, communicate your thoughts/feelings/concerns to them openly and diplomatically. This is very important in personal relationships and at work (especially between manager and subordinate). When I was delivering Corporate Coaching, there were many clients who believed that their manager had unrealistic expectations. Yet, they never openly communicated their belief to the manager. Conflict became almost unavoidable.
• Create confidence – if you have a realistic expectation of someone, communicate your confidence to them. This will be a massive morale booster for them. For example, if a sports coach has an expectation of the team captain to lead by example, something along the lines of “I know what a strong leader you are, and the whole team looks up to you for your leadership skills and strength”  would do wonders for the team captain’s confidence.

Dr Michael Broder (author of the best-seller Stage Climbing) who is a friend/mentor of mine, wrote something very enlightening about expectations:

Sometimes, expectations can be perfectly healthy metrics for making sense of your world. But expectations are also premeditated disappointments! So should you find yourself feeling disappointed, dissatisfied or stressed out, reflect first on your expectations — especially those predictably unrealistic ones you may be putting on yourself and others in your life. The good news is that changing your expectations is practically always doable. In fact, it’s often the only part of a given situation that you can reliably control.

Dr Broder is spot on in saying that you can control your expectations.

Whether you have expectations of others or others have expectations of you, there is a lot you can do to make life easier for both parties.

Remember, communicating openly can create a level playing field!

Quote: “Turn your expectations into appreciation.” Tony Robbins

I sincerely hope that you have gained a simple insight into how you can handle expectations (both ways) in a more productive manner.

Influencing you to your excellence,
Ron 

PS: My Anti-Bullying Charity’s latest short video celebrates a massive milestone (Episode number 50) – https://youtu.be/U4uVI3KKTlY

Imagine this – something goes wrong in the life of someone close to you. That person is shattered. What is one of the first things they could do?

They could look for someone to blame.

In my Life Coaching career, there have been many clients who chose to blame someone when things went wrong.

Whenever someone told me about a problem they were facing, I would wonder “Will they take responsibility or will they play the blame game?”

In an extremely insightful article by Dr Susan Whitbourne, she discusses in detail why we tend to blame others. Two of her very compelling reasons are:

1. It is easier to blame someone than to take responsibility.
2. Blame is an excellent defence mechanism.

Anyone who is well read in the subject of human behaviour will easily/happily second that (what Dr Whitbourne has stated above).

What I observed in the hundreds of hours spent in coaching clients was this – to some people, blaming others is second nature. If someone told me about an issue they were facing, and I asked “What do you think caused this?”, chances were, they would blame someone.

So, what can you do instead of blaming others? Here are 3 tips:

1. Accept accountability – As challenging as it may be, ask yourself “What role have I played in this?”  Once you take responsibility on your part, you will be in a position to better understand your own behaviour. I have had this belief (which has been shared with my coaching clients and with the audiences who have heard my speeches) – accountability empowers us. Another positive about accepting accountability is that you will learn about what to do in the future. Actually, you will also learn about what not to do in the future. Realising what to do and what not to do should go hand in hand if you are to become more productive. Accepting accountability can be a very liberating force! Once again, ask yourself “What role have I played in this?”
2. Ask yourself “How will feeling sorry for myself benefit me?” – There is a quote by Steve Maraboli, which perfectly puts into perspective what a victim mentality will provide you with. Here is that awakening quote – “The victim mindset will have you dancing with the devil, then complaining that you’re in hell.”  Sadly, it is very comfortable for some people to drown in victim mentality. These people will constantly complain – about the weather, about some sickness, about what they saw on the news that morning, and the list goes on. Make yourself different from them. Feeling sorry for yourself will disempower you more than you may realise. Yes, the world can be an unpleasant place. Feeling sorry for yourself will not change that. Okay, let’s be clear that sometimes circumstances can dictate what has happened to you. The current environment can be very harsh, and show no mercy. The point is, your goal should be to not get consumed by a victim mentality. That can/will emotionally paralyse you.  Liberate yourself from thought patterns that will not only disempower you, but will also not bring others down. Who wants to be around someone who is bringing others down all the time? As civil rights activist Marcus Garvey said “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds!”  Make an unbreakable decision to think about how to turn things around, instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Dr Whitbourne also stated “Unlike other games, the more often you play the blame game, the more you lose.”
3. Do something productive – marketing genius, Steve Plummer (who is the most creative writer I have ever met) recently wrote an article about blame. He said that you must take action, and be productive in order to overcome what has gone wrong. The exact words by Steve were “Why not turn the disruption into an opportunity?”  So, begin to strategise and think outside the square. Ask yourself what simple action you could take that will start your journey in the right direction. Remember, doing your best will not cut it sometimes. You must do what is required. Doing your best and doing what is required are two different approaches. Instill the words “I am productive”  in the treasury of your mind. Make it real, and keep taking the required action. The by-product of taking the right action is that you will be too busy to feel sorry for yourself or drown in victim mentality. If you feel that you cannot take the right action, please reach out to those around you, and ask for some form of support.

The subject line of this article contained a question. The answer to that question can be found in the quote below:

Quote: “No one wins the blame game.”  Bob Proctor

I sincerely hope that you have gained a simple insight into how you can embrace accountability and take productive action, instead of playing the blame game!

Influencing you to your excellence,
Ron 

PS: My Anti-Bullying Charity’s latest short video addresses a question – “How To Encourage Your Kids To Open Up About Bullying”-  https://youtu.be/2fZtPW-M_io

Have you ever been belittled?

Has anyone close to you ever put you down in the presence of others?

How do you normally react when someone does that you?

I can safely say that everyone (to some extent) has been subjected to the above-mentioned.

On my Life Skills radio segment, a listener asked a question (and, in all honestly, I have forgotten her name). She asked:
“How do I handle myself when someone is putting me down in front of others?”

Well, she is not alone in that! I have been there myself, and am sure that you must have been in that predicament at some point in your life.

It is never easy to cope with a put down. Especially, if it is in the presence of people you know and love.

On air, I provided this listener with 3 tips. And, here they are:

1. Take a deep breath, and compose yourself – Remaining calm is the key here. If you react, and get into a negative state, you will be stooping to the level of the belittlement provider. Yes, it is very easy to fire back at them, and put them down too. Fighting fire with fire will only give aggression or intensity to that person. In a very enlightening article by Dr Neel Burton, he states “It (the return put down) tends to equalize us with our insulter, raising him up to our level and bringing us down to his. This gives him and his insult far too much credibility.” Your goal is to prove that you are bigger than the put down, and are not affected (in a negative manner). Yes, there will be an impact on you. Let’s not deny that please. The point is this – you should not and/or cannot let that person’s behaviour control your behaviour. Your goal is to minimise the impact of that person’s words, on you, your state, and your behaviour. If you prove it to them that you are composed, they will not only be surprised, they are less likely to repeat their offensive behaviour.
2. Say something positive in return – This is the last thing that anyone who is throwing put downs at you will expect. Let me share a personal experience with you. A few years ago, I was at a fruits and vegetables market, a week before Christmas. The car park was hectic. People were queuing up to get a parking spot. It was a hot day (Christmas falls during summer in Australia). As I headed to my car, there were two men arguing loudly over a parking spot. One of them walked away, shouting at the other man. As I walked past him, he looked at me, and said in an angry voice “People are so selfish these days! No one cares anymore.” He was probably expecting me to ignore him, and walk away. Instead, I responded with “Beautiful shirt, you are wearing mate. That  colour, light blue really suits you. Where did you get it from?” In absolute shock, he replied “Oh, my sister gave it to me on my 42^nd birthday! You like it, huh?” He now had a smile on his face. We spoke for a few seconds, wished each other a Merry Christmas, and parted ways. Although this man wasn’t putting me down, he was very receptive of the positive comment. If you say something nice to someone who is trying to put you down, it will most likely break their state.
3. Ask questions – if someone says something unpleasant about you (or any aspect of you), ask them questions about that unpleasant comment. For example, a colleague says to you “I saw your photos on Facebook on the weekend. You looked like a dag from the 1970’s in the clothes you wore to that birthday party. Ha ha ha”. You could ask them a series of questions :

• “Why did my clothes remind you of the 1970’s?”
• “What was daggy about it?”
• “What would you have worn?”
• “Why?”
• “So, that would not have been daggy?”
• “Why?”
• “Please tell me more”.

Your goal here it not to frustrate your colleague by asking all these questions. Your goal is to make them dig deeper and realise why they are saying what they are saying. This may provide them with insights into their own behaviour, and they may become less likely to throw unpleasant comments at others. I have tested this personally, and it works.

Now, let’s be clear on one point – a put down is very different to productive feedback. If someone is giving you productive feedback (I personally dislike using “constructive criticism”), be open to receiving it, and growing.

Quote: “Offense exists not in the insult but in our reaction to it, and our reactions are completely within our control.” Dr Neel Burton

I sincerely hope that you have gained a simple insight into how you can respond to put downs and belittlement.

And, please remember not to throw put downs at anyone. That way, you will be leading by example. As Paul Wellstone said “Never separate the life you live from the words you speak.”

Influencing you to your excellence,

Ron 

PS: My Anti-Bullying Charity’s latest short video has one simple tip for parents “How to stop your child from being a bully” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p14KXSOyZSg